I sat. I breathed. I listened. I sat on the back porch of my house, in the night with only the eerie glow of the inside light to keep me company. Only a towel wrapped tightly around me, the cool brisk air tingled my bare skin, tingling and chilling right to my bones. I breathed slowly, watching the puffs of vapor escape from my lips and curl up into the night, as if I was smoking a cigarette. Only it was breath. I listened to the constant company of my thoughts; the steady companion of my mind. It howled for me to get back inside, away from the cold air, my instincts kicking in. I quieted those thoughts, but then I was bothered by my doubt and inconsistency. My lack of vision, identity, and purpose haunted me as a high school sophomore and even then I was scared for my future. I wanted a plan; I wanted to know what I wanted. In this uncertainty I went crazy, I tried ever so desperately to coax my inner most desires out of my soul, let them emit out of the skin and linger in the aurora of my being. I wanted to feel them, love them, embrace them, and pursue them. I wanted to stand on stable ground instead of lingering on the fault line in the earthquake praying I don’t fall through the cracks. My mind just didn’t cease. One thought lead to another so far away that I had forgotten what lead me there in the first place. My thought process so scattered and fragmented; a map would be needed to navigate. Thoughts this time, eventually lead to my death (which it did with alarming frequency). I was not morbid, I was just curious on how people would react and cherish or scorn my life. Upset I couldn’t experience them, and rattled by my own thoughts I was pushed into the fires of frustration. And then…
I stopped. I listened. Silence ensued. Not a thing was moving outside while my thoughts screamed. I thought I was in the middle of a busy road, but the world was silent. And I was silent and contained.
